THE  27Th  EDITIOn

1. Ignore your impulses                                                                                      It is fun to learn a new hobby. I admire that you follow through with all your projects the day they pop into your head. Sure, it’s impressive that you woke up in a cold sweat with the only thought of “I want to make crochet plushies,” then immediately started research on material/tutorials and crocheted a body-pillow sized crochet bee all in one day––but that was the beginning of an addiction. A terrible, terrible, terrible addiction. 

2. No more crochet bees                                                                                                                   I know they’re the trendiest thing on TikTok. I know you keep seeing it all over social media. You don’t need another plushie in your life. Your room already has three piles of them. Your bed is starting to disappear. No, you can’t use your sister’s bed to display plushies either.

3. Avoid the Local Craft Stores                                                                                                        You “say” you’re just looking but we both know you’ll walk out of Joann’s cradling a fat ass pile of yarn in your arms. Why do you need five different color blues? It doesn’t matter that one’s ‘periwinkle’ and the other’s ‘sky.’ They’re all blue! No– you won’t need it for a future project. You always make one of two things: an animal plushie or a crochet bralette. That periwinkle yarn will probably be another set of A cups in your collection of 100 other crochet bras.. YOU DON’T NEED–– Wait is that a purple crochet hook? Oh shit, it’s a size 6mm hook… Ooo, I’ve been needing a new 6mm hook...Damn and it has sparkles in it…. Fuck.

4. If you happen to find yourself inside a local craft store, only buy the essentials                                                                                                                                     No more yarn. I’m good on yarn. Definitely don’t need more. But y’know what we do need? Crochet hooks. Back at home we got a dainty 4mm hook and it takes forever to get any work done. It took [X] weeks to crochet that granny shawl––UGHHHH. Girl, we want something that gets the job done fast. If we buy a thicker hook, it would only take us three days to crochet a granny shawl. Ohh ho hoo––that 6mm crochet hook lookin’ pretty sexy right now. I mean, look at that length. And the girth? (Bitchhhhhhhh) Doesn't it just feel satisfying in your hand? Imagine all the things we could do with it. More plushies, more bralettes––I could finally use that fat chunky yarn I bought a month ago to make a baby blanket. (I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BABY). Okay but that’s all you need. Now let's keep our eyes down while we walk over to the cash… Y’know actually I think that chunky yarn requires a 9mm hook… or was it 10mm? No, most chunky yarn needs 12mm. Shit. Which is it? Well. Better be safe than sorry and grab ALL OF THEM. Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t we do a loop around the fabrics? It’s fall season! Let's make a cute Halloween dress! Maybe even a skirt! It’s time to get started on that Mushroom dress costume you’ve been wanting to make! Oh––we’ve been needing a refill on black fabric, so why don’t we buy––I don’t know––3 yards… Just to be safe?

5. Brace yourself                                                                                                                                         After two hours of running up and down the aisles, you finally make it to the cash register. You might want to hold your breath because you’re about to spend [XX] amount of dollars on your cart full of craft supplies. Don’t worry. You’ll be cutting yourself off of ALL CRAFT STORE visits this month. (Then again, you might come back for some more black thread for your sewing machine––BUT THAT WILL BE THE ONLY THING YOU COME FOR) Just take a deep breath and hand them your card. Then keep your eyes down as you do the walk of shame all the way to your Prius. There ya go. Just ignore all the sticky-icky guilt soaking up in your chest while you cradle that fat bag of addiction into your tiny little gay car. 

6. Accept defeat

                Let’s face it. It’s not just yarn you're obsessed over. You're a crackhead for crafts. Snorting up all the glitter glue in the dark corners of your room. Hoarding all the different color craft materials because you get off on the high of planning a new project. Not to mention the satisfying haze you get after slaving away at the sewing machine (or behind a crochet hook) for hours a day without a single pee break. You have become so obsessed with creating crafts, you sometimes forget to eat. You tell yourself five more minutes before you take a lunch break but the second you look up, it’s 10PM. You’re hopeless. But at least you admit it. So why don’t we open an online shop so we have an excuse as to why we have a thousand crochet bees stockpiled in our closet?